It's all in my head, maybe I'm the devil inside
by T.J. Wise
Summary: DES - Wrote this after watching TVD S5 E 12 as I tried to digest that episode. This is written from Elena POV as she is trapped inside her head. Is more a character study than anything. Hope you guys enjoy it.
1. The darkness within

**AN: I wrote this after watching The Vampire Diaries S5 E 12 : The Devil Inside. OK, it took me a while to digest it and I am still p****d that we have to swallow Elena playing dumb and not breaking the traveler witch's neck. But I guess that was the only way to further the plot... So I'm, begrudgingly, giving the writers some leeway.**

**So this is going forward from the moment Katherine overtakes Elena's body and mind just as she reaches Damon.**

**Haven't decided yet if this is a two shot, or whatever... But there is at least one more chapter... then we will see.**

There is darkness within, there is darkness without, and there is darkness all around…

There is a sense of longing, a deep, desperate, need… It almost takes her breath away… but she doesn't feel her lungs, she doesn't feel the air… She doesn't feel a body… All she feels is just this essential want of something more vital than oxygen… Blue eyes alight at the end of this darkness…They are furious and kind, intense and scorching, pleading … She can't let go of that, she can't let go of him…

She struggles to find herself, to define herself, here, as she is trapped in a limbo that makes her feel like she doesn't exist. Maybe she doesn't… Making sense of reality, of her reality, is a struggle… She almost remembers… Remembers being more, more than this… this floating something that she can't find a name for… Her mind is foggy, does she have a mind? Her thoughts are fragmented, her sense of self almost nonexistent… The only clear things are those blue eyes, set in a handsome face that she thinks she loves… Yes, loves…

Then there is a whisper of a name… "Elena"… like a pledge falling from his lips… It means something…, it means everything... He is like an anchor…and the name tugs at some feeling of self… So Elena absorbs the name, the way the blue eyed man said it, the hidden meanings behind the syllables something that she can almost grasp… And she builds on that notion, pulling dissonant streams together, like pieces of a puzzle she can't outline… Patiently, laboriously, piecing things together in this blackness that seems to want to extinguish her…

Images float; words weave themselves into almost sentences… Elena is eager for answers, for meaning, for knowledge… for him. But the process is slow going, she can almost reach the information, but her limbs are not long enough… Does she have limbs? She has a notion of being in a body, of the blue eyed man enveloping her and making her want to melt into him… But when she searches, Elena cannot find the hard edges of herself. No surface, no touch, no skin, no eyes… no mouth. Is she dead? Is this what happens to vampires when they die? Vampire… Yes… She remembers the thirst, the pull of blood, the heady smell… the smell of his blood.

"Damon…"

The name breezes into her awareness and she holds on to it like a life raft… She may not have arms, but she will never let go of his name, of his eyes, of him… He is too important to be left behind… even if she can't remember why. With his name trapped in a white knuckled existential grip, Elena continues to lace, twist and knit. She can see patterns emerge here and there, clues to a disintegrated life… Her life?

The moments spent with him glow brighter, with an undercurrent of passion, devotion and… doubt? That confuses her… Why doubt when Damon is clearly all consuming, all encompassing and important? She feels other shadows stir… They taste of grief and heartache… they resonate deep into achy bones she does not see and make her nonexistent chest constrict painfully… She smells salty tears but they are in her memory, lost in some part of this remembrance quilt she is trying to piece together… they fall over the dead body of a boy that holds her features… Brown eyes, brown hair… dead…

"Brother…"

The word echoes and fills her with both misery and joy… and above all, overarching guilt… Then she sees a bridge, hears a car skidding and feels the cold wetness of hungry waters… The pain is overwhelming and Elena would choke and sob if she had a body to express the ache and the burning in her lungs from the awareness of death's embrace.

Death, however, doesn't come… and Elena is perplexed… Strong arms wrap around her and she feels safe… Kind green eyes meet hers… Hers are befuddled, his are bewildered, maybe even in shock? He searches her face and she can feel a stir in her soul. A flash of understanding, a hint of recognition, overtakes her… And Elena sees that he is the source of the doubt… the doubt over the blue eyed boy… They overlap in her reminiscing, side by side, at odds with each other, at odds with her, but always around… They are the same, and yet they are not… They are like magnets to her, she is like magnets to them, they all orbit around each other… They all save, soothe and hurt each other… There is love, there is pain, doubt and anger, there is want, so much want it hurts… They are tangled together and Elena can't pin point why. Not yet… All she can reason is that they belong together… the three of them belong together. Yes… she is certain of that. She belongs with them… They belong with her… In a different way that the brow eyed boy does…, but is nevertheless not optional… It just is…

She feels the green eyed boy embrace through the wetness of her clothes. She feels other embraces and… kisses… and looks from him, but the moments, the places and the notions change with each one. A necklace…, a pledge…, his eyes loving, his eyes hungry, his manner asinine… It doesn't make sense… His hand on her face as she leans in… his hands on her neck and the pain of his fangs… A car, a bridge… Panic burning her insides…

Then the panic is in his green eyes… as he lies incapacitated on a dirt floor… looking at her as if his life is about to shatter… Her body is limp, pressed against a hard and unfriendly chest… She feels no hope… only resignation as the fire rages in front of her and a hand wraps around her neck… She feels fangs piercing her skin, the green eyed boy wails, her blood gushes and she can feel herself evaporate…

A bubbly laughter and a head of golden bouncy locks catches her attention, taking her away from the horrifying memory and back towards light. The blond girl is young, then old, and then young again. She is also never changing and the concept makes no sense. There is blood pouring of the corner of her mouth… There is pink bright lipstick. There are fang marks on her neck and her back… There are tears in her eyes… She is there as Elena scrapes a knee… she brings back a colorful Band-Aid and makes it all better. She is there as Elena vomits blood, holding her hair… She is there next to her and the brown eyed boy at a… funeral? Red roses and too many graves… Graves… She is there next to the green eyed boy too… They are friends? Elena thinks so…

The blond is also next to a bright eyed, dark skinned girl… Elena misses her the moment her image swirls into her mind… Her eyes are kind, her eyes are judging, her eyes are in pain… Then there is love, directed at her, directed at her brother? And she is also young and old, all at the same time, and they play together, her, the blonde girl and another blue eyed boy. He is not Damon, but he matters too and he is constant… He hugs her… He feeds her? He is next to her in cold waters…This new boy and the two girls are constant…, older presences than Damon and the green eyed boy…

"Stefan Salvatore"

The name reverberates into the nothingness like the fluttering of wings...

**AN: There is at least another chapters... after that I do not know... Please let me know what you think. xoxo**


	2. The light at the end of the tunnel

**AN: I'm a little OCD, so I have revised the previous chapter on the 14th of Feb 2014, cleaned it up a little and made some minute changes. Your choice if you want to re-read it or not. **

************* **Response to a couple of reviews *******

**1. A kind reviewer pointed out that there where far too many ellipses in the text. _She is completely right, there are_. They are, however, intentional since I wanted to create a dizzying, labyrinthine feeling as we read the words coming from Elena's experience of being thrown into the existential limbo as Katherine takes over her mind, body and life. So I am sorry if it bugs anyone else.**

**2. A not so kind reviewer complained about having another story about the DES love triangle. She is right, this is a DES triangle story. _I will say this __however, I have warned you it was, I mostly write about the triangle as I ship, in order of descending preference : DES, DE, DS, ES. _IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT. IF YOU READ IT, at least be polite and give me constructive criticism not flack. **

**Now let's get back to the fun.**

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_"Stefan Salvatore"_

_The name reverberates into the nothingness like the fluttering of wings..._

...

It fills the darkness with tenderness as the green eyed boy's name comes in to view and winds around Elena's notions of self and love and shines a light on the blue eyed boy too...

"Damon and Stefan Salvatore"

… Yes… Brothers… Lovers…

"My lovers…."

They are constant too, but they are new… and they never change…

"Vampires"

Is this why they feel like part of her? Is this why they are connected? Did they make her…?

"Yes"

Glimpses of Damon, his hand on her lips, her lips on his hand, her body pushing against his as her fangs suck at the blood flowing from his palm… The connection searing through her veins, quenching one hunger only to spark an older one...

Then the pain is in the palm of her own hand, darkness, rain and despair surround her… Stefan… weak, hurt, on the ground as danger lurks close… her bloodied hand is on his lips, his lips on her hand, then on her wrist... his fangs sinking into it… The puncture burning her skin as the sucking motion makes her feel queasy and unsafe... More danger, his eyes wild and hard as she begs for him to stop... another body graying on the ground under the pelting rain as an ominous feeling descends in her heart...

Blood on her hands, nails gauging trails on Damon's back… Blood on her hands for lives lost… Blood gushing out of her lips as she can't keep the source that keeps her alive inside of her...

Things are making more sense now… She can almost piece together a story… her story… But where is she? What is she? Why is she so disconnected from what she once was…

In response, an unkind face floats to the forefront of her awareness... Curly auburn locks, pouty lips and disdainful eyes... She struts towards the brothers... Elena's Salvatore boys seem to waiver under this stranger's presence. There is hurt in Damon's eyes, defiance in Stefan's... and yet they are susceptible to this wicked child's gravitas...Elena briefly wonders if this woman is herself, but she knows she is not... The cruelty in her eyes speaks of living too long and seeing too much... There is no love left in this woman's hardened heart...

"You are nothing like her"

Damon's voice echoes... and Elena knows it is the truth... Yet she also sees the similarity... Then she sees another one like her, like them, her eyes are wild and fearful, like a mad woman... And a witch is chanting... and there is another Stefan... Elena's mind throbs under the confusion of so many copies of herself... Damon is there too, watching over them... The wickedest of the copies walks in triumphant as she sees Stefan's copy comatose of a sofa... But then, to Elena and her double's horror, Damon wipes the smirk out of her face and unscrupulously presses her neck to the other Stefan's mouth... Elena expects death... Death never appears to come for these features it seems... Her copy wakes up again and Elena can feel Damon's anger emanating from him...

Damon's anger... Yes... at his brother,... at an empty tomb? At the man that sucks Elena's blood dry... At...

"Katherine-na..."

The name grates but shines true. Katherine is the copy's name and Elena sees her hovering above her trying to kill her... Then Elena shoves something into Katherine's lips and this battle is won... And now Elena watches Katherine ebb away on Stefan's bed... How does that make any sense?

But there they are, facing each other... and Elena hears herself speak words of forgiveness and understanding... Then regret laces her entire body as Katherine holds her jaw and whispers words that Elena cannot understand... A scorching pain drills through her mind and blackness engulfs Elena... Then nothingness is all there is until light slowly comes back to her and she becomes aware of being chained to a bed.

"Oh God"

Elena feels the struggle to free herself, even as confusion makes her mind reel. She hears the chains protest, then give in only to have her run for freedom be thwarted by a woman that looks a lot like her double...

"Nadia"

Her double's... daughter? And then blackness is there again for the longest time before she is aware of chanting... Her double's body is on a slab in a cavernous space. Elena starts to understand... Katherine is using her as a... host? She must run... Elena automatically pushes the witch against a wall, rendering her unconscious, then she turns and pushed metal through Nadia's gut... She can feel swirling panic as she runs through the forest.

"Damon..."

The blue eyed boy is all she can think of as she runs and runs as her mind becomes overloaded with images of Katherine's life...

"No..."

She should have killed them... Too late...

Elena pushes the limits of her speed until she senses him, and then she is hurling herself out of the forest into the safety of his arms.

"Damon... Thank God."

The next second darkness engulfs her again, slamming her sense of self against nothingness. She is back at the beginning, only now she knows... She knows who she is, her history and the trials and burdens of her life. She knows who she loves and who she would die to protect. With painful clarity, she also knows who she hates beyond measure...

The hate bubbles up, and blazes indignant. Elena has always been kind, empathetic and inclined to forgive all wrongdoing done to her... Katherine, however, has hurt the Salvatore's too many times... Elena will be dammed if she will let Katherine use her to hurt them more...

Here in the darkness, Elena kindles this incandescent resolve that she will escape the confines of her own mind and see this through. Katherine will not win this time. Elena has survived too many calamities to have her spirit broken and erased by one as unholy as Katherine...

No, Elena will draw strength from her love for Damon and Stefan, for her friends and her family and she will see this through... Katherine is a fool if she thinks she can fool those who love her... The idiot should have ran as far as her legs could carry her.

Katherine is a dead woman the moment Elena finds a way to snuffle her life and her centuries old reign of terror... Elena doesn't even care if it means her life will end too... All that matters is taking Katherine out of the picture once and for all...

All cards are on the table... and Elena is ready to go for the jugular...

**~ THE END ~**

(well, of this story at least :))

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**AN: I hope you enjoyed this. ** _Happy Valentine's Day Everyone**_. Please R&R. xoxo**


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